I woke up today wishing that life wasn't kicking me in the teeth quite so hard right now.
My mom recommended that I try to keep the life of a "monastic scholar" right now, and focus on my studies... but the upcoming Valentine's Day PCP is waving the fact that I'm alone in my face every day. It doesn't help that my roommate is throwing the party.
I'm enjoying spending time with lots of people, and I'm helping out as much as I can with the PCP preparations. Either my roommate is putting way too much effort into the decorations, or PCP really is a big pain in the ass to put on.
I don't know. I'm feeling down, but I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I suppose I shouldn't apologize for writing them in my diary, even if it is essentially writing to my friends. Maybe I'm just too concerned with outward appearances. I'm always afraid people will think I'm asking for pity.
I just want someone around who I can really talk to. I don't think I've ever really talked with anyone I associate closely with here, because I've always had someone until now. I wondered to myself yesterday if people think I'm insensitive, inhuman, or just so cold that I don't need to share anything with anyone. The truth is, I enjoy talking candidly with people, I really desire that kind of connection with my friends, I've just always felt like it's inappropriate somehow. Never the right moment.
I did take a lot of comfort in the fact that my roommate got me a gift the other day. He really enjoys watching Mulan for some reason, and I always laugh hysterically at the racist undertones in it. One of the characters that I laugh at the most is Moo Shu, a little Chinese dragon, and my roommate got me a little plush one.
That made me smile on a greater level than just the surface, which I haven't done in quite a while.
~Halcyondream~
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