Ok... so this diary can't truly die. Who am I kidding, to think that I could stop diarylanding?

I need it to be a confidant, at least for now. I've lost my confidant.

K and I split up almost a week ago.

I apologize to those I have been less than social with, or who I've ignored. I've been in a bit of a funk that required, basically, being as mindlessly social and as drunk as possible.

Anyway. K was not only my girlfriend, but also my best friend and the person I trusted the most. More than I trusted myself, which might have been a mistake.

She and I had been moving in different directions for a very long time, but neither of us wanted to admit it.

Besides, I'm not sure what our relationship was about, anyway. We didn't like much of the same stuff, and we really didn't get along all that well, but we were pals. Good pals at that.

The odd couple, if you will.

I'm also still trying to sort out the character of our relationship. I'm not sure that it was altogether healthy.

But I need, at this point, to be completely on my own. I've changed so incredibly in the last few years that I need to consolidate and figure out what I am and what I'm doing before basing any decisions on anyone else.

This change is about me. K doesn't agree with me, but she obviously either doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does, or she won't consider my needs.

Either way, the relationship was doomed.

So here I am. Alone.

I haven't been alone since junior year of high school.

Eep.

It's scary in a giddy kind of way, like a haunted house attraction. I feel absolutely free, like everything is uncertain except what I want. It's really kind of nice. Of course, months from now I'm sure I'll be screaming about needing someone, but I'll cross that bridge later.

So I'm kind of disgusted with the whole 'relationship' idea at the moment. I just need to find a preferably platonic companion, and I'll do well.

Someone suggested to me, just before she left New College, that I find a good hook-up to help me get over the girl-withdrawal. That, of course, would be nice, but there are so many strings attached to such things which I cannot abide right now. Besides, would I sleep with me? I'm a dork. Dorks (perhaps the qualifier 'guys' is more truthful... dorky guys) don't get laid; it's a natural law. I've seen it in pictures.

I'm also kind of disgusted in the whole "needing to get laid" lifestyle. Such lifestyles lead to bad behavior.

But who am I to judge? Sex, and the world around it, is not what they show you on MTV. The whole sport is really quite unappealing if you look at it from the outside. Especially just coming out of a very long and very serious relationship.

So, I've concluded that:

A) The last thing I want is a relationship.
B) I'll take sex if it comes my way.
C) I am "free as a bird now," or so it goes in common parlance.

I am free. It's new, but I like it so far.

~Halcyondream~

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