I am constantly changing shape.

I know I say this every few weeks, but it seems to occur continuously. Outwardly I most likely appear to act nearly the same, I look the same, but some part of me is shifting. I want and loathe everything all at once, and nothing at the same time. My tastes and desires shift from hour to hour. I don't have emotions anymore, they've come to the point where I just ignore them; they're too chaotic.

I just tell myself, "I'll feel differently in an hour, or a few, or tomorrow."

But the changes aren't always new. I vacillate in between two or three extremes. Yesterday I went from wanting to destroy everything I saw to enjoying every bit of life around me in little more than two hours.

I can go from absolutely despising my relationship with K, to wanting to spend my life with her, and everything in between in a matter of minutes.

I shift from wanting to kill people and rip out their organs to wanting to save the world from suffering on a daily basis.

Yesterday, in a busy Taco Bell in Naples, as I listened to people's conversations I derived great pleasure from imagining bursting in the door with two Mac10s and filling the patrons with bullets. Their screams and the spray from their veins made me smile. I watched them all bleed on the tiles and giggled.

I don't feel badly about it, either.

I just keep telling myself that I am not a mass murderer. I'm losing my head.

~Halcyondream~

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